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This year signifies a ten-year milestone since the phrase “ghosting” hit the common lexicon. Initially, the notion that someone could abruptly cease all contact with a lover without explanation seemed like the height of disrespect. We were so innocent. In the decade since, seeking a mate has only become more perplexing – an commonly unsuccessful pursuit in humiliation that is increasingly pigeonholed by online slang.

Zoomers, a generation who matured during a social isolation crisis, a male identity crisis, and a concerted challenge on the freedoms of women and the LGBTQ+ community, faces a significantly more chaotic terrain than their millennial elders could ever imagine. And so their dating vocabulary has grown more extensive and more deranged, with expressions like “Shrekking” and “monkey branching” pushing the boundaries of your sanity.

The following list is a comprehensive breakdown to the terms this generation is using to navigate love, sex and the search of both. To paraphrase one of the recent most enduring online sayings, by the conclusion of this guide you’ll long to get back to simpler times – because where that is, it lacks “ideological catfishing”.

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A

Genuineness – In the view of Zoomers, dating’s ultimate goal is presenting as your true, unvarnished self. Good luck with that!

The Letter B

Feathered friend test – A TikTok trend connected to a test developed by relationship scientists, in which you point out something minor – for example, “A bird flew by earlier” – and observe whether your date's reaction is inquisitive or disinterested. If they aren't interested to hear more about the bird, you two are headed for splitsville.

Mysterious girlfriend – Zoomers' answer to the “quirky fantasy girl” trope of the early 2000s – but instead of having short fringe, liking indie music and eschewing commitment, the black cat girlfriend puts herself first while exuding mystery and independence. (She could possibly have that fringe.)

C

Chair theory – This means seeking out someone who aids you without being asked. If you entered a room, they would pull up a chair for you to take a load off.

Task-based bonding – A meet-up where two people connect while doing chores, such as pet care or food shopping. In other words, how financially strained twentysomethings do low-cost dating in a post-“$5 beer and shot combo” world.

Crashing out – Having a breakdown when you feel burdened by life. You can spiral over a crush or split, venting all of your (unrequited) emotions.

The Letter D

DINK – Dual income no kids. Once a symbol of 1980s yuppie excess, it refers to pairs who choose against parenthood to focus on their own well-being. Or because they are unable to afford to become parents.

The Letter E

Open communication – The antithesis of being guarded: practicing dialogue, honesty and vulnerability.

F

Indicators

• Red flags – Behavioral habits indicating a prospective partner is trouble. Such as calling their exes crazy, poor tipping habits, a fondness for controversial director films, a new DJ career …
• Positive signs – These quirks confirm your decision to pursue a mate. For instance following up to make sure you got home safely after a date, minimal phone use, owning a bed frame …
• Neutral quirks – These typically describe niche, largely harmless quirks. Examples include being an keen birdwatcher, still keeping a biro in their wallet, paying the rent in physical money …

Shared obsession pairing – When you connect with someone who’s just as passionate about documentaries about the WWII or physical media hoarding or art or whatever it may be, as you. Or, on the flip side, finding someone who loathes the same things or people that you do (few things builds intimacy faster than having a common enemy).

G

The band Geese – A musical group a typical Zoomer guy listens to.

Zombie-ing – Someone who pops back into your life after a period of disappearing.

Loyal boyfriend – Someone who is affable, accommodating and devoted. The rare partner who is beloved by all of his partner’s friends, and a black cat girlfriend's opposite.

Prolonged session enthusiasts – A primarily online community of men so preoccupied with self-pleasure that they attempt marathon sessions, purposefully postponing orgasm so they can continue as long as possible.

H

Gloomy heterosexuality – A mindset describing many women’s increasing pessimism toward heterosexual relationships. It will come as no surprise to anyone who read the above entry.

High-value woman – An stereotype championed by online male influencer figures: a woman who is sexually desirable, ever-comforting and happily home-oriented, who apparently has no ambitions of her own other than satisfying her male partner. Perhaps now you’re beginning to grasp the whole “pessimism” thing better?

I

Ick factors – Arbitrary and usually everyday dealbreakers that immediately extinguish any sense of attraction.

“He would if he cared" – Something to remember after you watch someone else receive an extremely sweet act.

The Letter J

Jobs – These have not been this important in the romance landscape since the greed-is-good era. For some women, a “banker” is the ultimate catch: a fleece-vest-wearing, Republican-coded guy who will provide (there’s a popular TikTok audio on the topic). Meanwhile the left-leaning crowd prefer partners in professions they perceive as being staffed by the more caring among us: healthcare workers, educators or therapists.

The Letter K

Kissing – This year, scientists learned that the kiss has existed for 16 million years. But the days of locking lips may be waning since some Zoomers desire fewer intimate scenes in film, as they are having less sex themselves and do not find cinematic romance realistic.

Kittenfishing – Slight exaggeration. Or, not exactly being dishonest about who you are, but maybe using older (better) pictures of yourself on a online profile, or making your career sound more important than it is. Also known as {